Endings

My life is a shitshow, so what better time to restart this habit.

My father had a stroke at the beginning of February.  About a month ago he passed away. And because life knows how to pile it on, in that time my relationship of the last almost three years fell apart, so I’m single again.

Backing up, for a second, because this wasn’t supposed to be that year. I just started a new job in January, two weeks before my dad’s stroke.  Two endings and a beginning.

The other day, someone asked me if I’d gone back to work yet. And I was flabbergasted. Whose life did this person think I was living? That is not how it works in my reality. I haven’t taken a single day off since my father passed. In all the time since the stroke, I’ve only taken two days, the week it first happened. It never occurred to me to not go to work. I have to work. Is this a thing that people do? Just stop everything when someone dies? I get the requisite bereavement leave my company offers in this case, five days. I am saving those to help my mom move out of her house later this month, because that’s our reality. While my father was alive, they had a decent income, but they were paycheck-to-paycheck like most of America. They didn’t have any savings. Just steady pension and retirement checks. And the second that he passed, most of the income went with him. My mom is boned, and there isn’t any time for either of us to fall apart.

It sounds luxurious, to be honest. So decadent, to stop working because my father died. To fall apart for even a moment feels like something reserved for the upper-crust of socioeconomic strata. How elegant. Does the fainting couch come standard with that plan? And the on-call doctor with a bottle of valium.

So I power through, like I’ve always done. I go to work. I’ve flown back and forth to my mom’s house every two to three weeks, slowly slipping into debt that hopefully, someday I can get out from under. And if I’m honest, I’ve drunk more than is probably necessary. I haven’t even remotely begun to grieve. First things first, and someone has to keep it together.

I hope I keep writing. I have a lot of material right now, honestly. This I have to say about how hard it is to find out information about services and housing available to an elderly, low-income parent. That there should be a number like 1-800-MYPARENTSAREOLD. There’s all the lessons my parents have taught me of the “what not to do” variety. About the importance of a durable power of attorney, and the fact that you’re never too young to make sure you have one for your parents.  About wills, lawyers, real estate, estate liquidators, medicaid, medicare, hospice, and the VA. Maybe I’ll write about some of that, or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll write about being single again, suddenly, and what it’s like to be a single woman in her 40s in the age of Tinder, or maybe I’ll go nowhere near that crap. Hopefully I’ll find whatever humor there may be in this situation.

I’ve been through so much. I’ll get through this. Want to come along for the ride?

Why Is It?

Why is it that I only write blogs when I can’t sleep?    Seriously.    And maybe if I just went ahead and wrote more blogs, well, then maybe I’d sleep better.     Like not having written this is what’s the problem to begin with.   I don’t necessarily believe that, because there are plenty of times that I have sat down to do this, and in the process of writing something, it all just sort of opens up more bags of worms, more questions that aren’t going to be answered tonight, and added fuel to the flame of my overactive imagination.

Once again I’ve become a lax blogger, and I’m not even going to try to make some excuse or say that I’m going to turn over a new leaf.   You could be reading this now, and there’s no guarantee that I’ll have anything more to write for another three months.   But who knows, maybe tomorrow…..

But the fact remains, my life is kinda dull right now.  Basically all I had going for me there for quite some time as a source of material was that monstrous crush.    That is thankfully finally behind me.    I mean, don’t get my wrong, I appreciate it for the creative wealth that it was, but at the end of the day, the agony of the thing wasn’t worth it.   A girl can only take so many mixed messages, you know, and there’s only so long that you can hold on to some kind of unreasonable hope.     Thankfully, one day, he did something absolutely maddening to the point of being the most unattractive thing I’ve ever seen, and that was that.     I send him on his way, wish him well, and count my blessings.    (“Yes.  Go, go.   I would not wish you back again.”)

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is ….”NEXT”.    I sort of am ready for something else to be going on in my life.   I want to have some ridiculous thing to write about that hopefully when you read about it will make you unsure of whether to laugh or not.    Some ridiculous sort of thing that I could go on about for a while, work myself into some silly rant about, and at the end of it all, come to the conclusion that I’m “just sayin'”.

Right now, well, I got nothing… well, maybe not nothing, but definitely nothing amusingly anecdotal to unleash in this forum.   All I’ve got is some flashes in my head of where I’d rather be or what I’d rather be doing.    And a whole lot of long hard work, that while boring as shit, I have to admit is deeply satisfying.

So, that’s that, and so I conclude without nearly my regular amount of enthusiasm –

Just sayin’.

My Kind of Nine to Five

So, this morning I went in to work as usual, but at noon, the entire office boarded buses to go to a bowling alley.   It was time for the semi-annual bowling party.  

And they went all out.   The afternoon started with all the best bowling alley junk food.  There was pizza, nachos, fries, onion rings, and pizza.  Also some other stuff that I don’t eat.   Oh, and I had Hawaiian Punch.  Yum.   I love junk food.    I was in hog heaven.  I dipped my onion rings in nacho cheese.  It’s like that. 

Oh, and an open bar.   Now, I’d been having plenty of drinks over the weekend, so I was pretty over the whole idea of booze.   But I did have a few beers.  

Then the bowling got under way, and it was extreme bowling with music, black lights, and disco balls.   We played for hours.   It was a lot of fun, and my only complaint was that it was hot in the building.   I was really pretty exhausted by the time we left there.  

Exhausted and full.   I wasn’t even buzzed from the beers I drank, but I think it just added to my tremendously over stuffed feeling.   I know that this hasn’t done anything to curb my lust for grease and garbage, but it might be a few days before I go there again.

And tonight, I wasn’t even all that hungry, but I made dinner, just because I felt I had to eat something that wasn’t crap.   Beans and rice with some mixed veggies.   

So, I guess what I’m really saying is that bowling is fun, but onion rings are funner.

Last Day

Today is my last day at my current job.  My new job starts Monday.

I’ve got a mixture of feelings about this.  I was really hoping to stay with this job for a while, and I’ve been very pleased with the folks I work with.  They drive me insane every once in a while, but usually in a way that ends up being amusing in the long run.

But ever since the Huge Corporation that bought us started making all these changes a few months back, it just hasn’t been the same.  They managed to kill the spirit of the original company, I think.

So, when I was offered the new opportunity, so close to home and working with friends, it was an obvious choice.  I am very excited about this job, and this new company seems like it will be an excellent fit.  I’ll give you a hint, it has to do with music.   Anyway, this is the right choice, and I’m headed on the right path.

But it’s still hard to say goodbye, you know.

Really Big Change

I have a new job, which I will be starting in about two and a half weeks.   I had to give my current job two weeks notice.    This new job is going to be very cool; I’m convinced.

I’m sure this will lead to lots of jokes within my extended family.  Last time I called my uncle, the first thing he did was go through this list of questions, “Did you move?  New job?  New boyfriend?”

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, the new job is in Oakland, very close to home.  I’ll no longer have to commute into the fog, and I’ll no longer be taking the casual carpool.   That’s too bad, because I’ve had some interesting and entertaining times with casual carpool.

Anyway, it’s the same type of work that I’ll be doing in online advertising.  However, the new company is not a Huge Corporation.

I’ll update again once I start the new job.   Things for me are changing a lot right now, but it’s mostly good stuff.