You know all those times that I’ve logged on and written a blog in the middle of the night because I couldn’t get to sleep? All the posts that were like, “I tried to go to sleep, but I was thinking all this stuff, so I decided to get up and write on my blog about the stuff I couldn’t stop thinking?” This isn’t one of those posts. I’m not suffering from insomnia. I just don’t wanna go to bed, even though I’m pretty tired.
Why? Well, to put it simply, I’m afraid of the quiet. I’m tired of all the thoughts that have been keeping me up this week, and I think they’re in my bed waiting for me again tonight. I don’t want to think about all the ways that nothing is what I would like it to be right now. I don’t want to think about all the things I should have said and done in the past, but didn’t or couldn’t. I don’t want to think about my very uncertain future. I don’t want to think about the people I miss. I don’t want to replay yesterday and tomorrow on permanent repeat. And somehow I’ve convinced myself that scrolling through Facebook one more time, refreshing my email again, and watching another video on YouTube is the answer. And the later it gets, the more I dread laying down.
I wish there was someone to talk to until I was tired enough to fall asleep. I wish someone would read me a story. I wish there was someone to whisper secrets to under the covers. I wish there was someone snoring. I wish there was someone to tug-o-war on the blankets with. I wish there was someone who could keep me warm.
The truth is, I don’t want to go to bed, because it’s the loneliest place I can think of, and I’ve been feeling lonely so long. I’ve been single for over eight years. That’s more than twice as long as I wanted to be. I put up a brave face, and acted like I didn’t care. I bragged about sleeping like a starfish — face down in the middle of my queen-sized bed, each limb splayed out towards the four corners. Lately I’ve been curling into a tiny ball, too many blankets and too much bed, as if by making myself smaller in there it might magically invite someone in.
I don’t want to go to bed right now, because I don’t want to have to go in there alone again.