Tag: reading

Too much?

Do you ever have that thing where you have too many good ideas?  Or at least, a lot of ideas that seem good, if only you could do them all.   If only I did not have to go to my job, or see my friends ever, or take my cat to the vet, I would be able to write all these stories and make all these YouTube videos and post all these blogs.   My studies would be going so much faster, and I could write that program that would do that thing.

 

Why can’t I just be unemployed and unloved?  It would be perfect!

 

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was Mara talking right there.

Mara the Demon

Okay, not exactly Mara, but maybe you know what I mean.  That’s the path away from reality and into a cyclical self-created drama that only exists in my head.

The thing is, time is finite.   When I leave this world, whenever that is, there will be a lot of things that I won’t have done that I would like to.  That happens to everyone.

And then I got this stupid cold, and I feel like such a slacker because I slept and read books instead of studying and writing.   I need to stop that.   That’s ridiculous.  I’m human.  And right here, right now, I’m a sick human, and that means I have to slow down and take care of myself.

I don’t know why I drive myself so hard sometimes, but I do know that it’s counterproductive.  Sometimes the reason why I don’t do things is because I’m so stymied by the feeling that I need to be creating things and doing useful things at all times.  I get so attached to that idea that it stops me in my tracks and I don’t do anything.   It’s part of my procrastination problem.  I want to do everything, and make everything, but I can’t, so I don’t even get started, and I don’t even try.     And then I feel guilty, which leads me right back to the beginning, and where I’m doing nothing but staring at Facebook for hours and feeling bad at myself.

But Facebook isn’t really the thing.  I mean, it’s distracting, and it’s designed to be distracting, but the distraction isn’t the problem.  The problem is being too much of a damn perfectionist, and expecting too much of myself and believing somehow that I’m not doing enough or being enough.   I am enough.  I am doing enough.   The words I write today are enough.  The code I figure out is enough.  The chords I learn are enough.

And just sitting here coughing and reading books is enough.

I am already who I’m supposed to be, and I don’t have to do anything more than what I do.

So, that’s my brain dump for the day.   It’s a mess, and it probably doesn’t make any sense, and it’s brilliant, and perfect, and exactly right.

Just sayin’.

CSGL and the Chamber of Freakishly Weird Dreams

I’ve been at my parents’ house for a week now.   My dad is going to be having his tumor removed on Friday.   Since he’ll be in the hospital for at least a week, and my mom does not drive, I’m here to help out.   My company has graciously allowed me to work remotely while I am staying with my parents, which is very cool.   I’m not burning through PTO while I’m here.

So what am I up to?   Well so far I’ve just been working, driving my folks around, and reading.   Reading the tail end of the Chronicles of Narnia and starting the Harry Potter series.    I’ve also seen more than my fair share of ESPN’s various programs and many episodes of MASH.   What can I say, but it’s what Dad likes.

It’s pretty odd being here, at the folks’ place, as I’ve never lived here.   This is my parents’ retirement home in Washington.  They moved in about three years ago.   I’ve visited quite a few times, but it had been over a year since I had been here last.  So, while it’s my parents’ home, and I’ll always be welcome and free to make myself at home, it’s not my home.   I don’t know where things belong in the house, and I don’t know my way around the neighborhood very well.

So, I don’t know whether it’s the stress of the situation, the strange surroundings, or my reading material of late, but I’ve been having some very strange dreams.    Dreams about just about everything and everyone.   The happy couple redoing their wedding, because they decided they wanted a much more formal affair.   My house being home invaded while only myself and one roommate were home, and the robbery being done by a girl I went to Junior High with.    My teenage self being told by my parents that they were expecting another baby.  A friend’s bed being full of random strangers, one of whom was very angry with me for being better liked than her.   And finally last night, Nova doing everything in his power to try to keep me from going to sleep, even though I was really exhausted.

So, I wonder what I’ll be dreaming tonight.   But before I get to bed, I’ve got to find out what’s going to happen to Harry Potter next.   My guess is that there’s going to be some stressful scenario where he could either die or be expelled from Hogwarts.  I mean, as far as I can tell, that’s the whole plot of the entire series.   Of course, I’m only on the second book.   I’m not too fond of these constant traumas, though.   Why doesn’t that idiot just go tell Dumbledore?  Geesh.

OK, yes, I am a nerd.

Just sayin’.

Books, Books, Books

It’s a well established fact that I am a nerd. An exceptionally booky nerd. A nerd with a massive appetite for the written word.

Right now, I’m in the middle of reading four books –

Sense and Sensibility, by Jane Austen

Everyday Zen: Love & Work by Charlotte Jojo Beck (my dad recommended and loaned this one to me)

Jaywalking with the Irish by David Monagan

and

Foods to Fight Cancer by Richard Believeau, Ph.D. and Denis Gingras, Ph.D.

Maybe I should just try to finish one.

Or maybe I should pick up some fluffy summer read and add it to the pile.

Or maybe I should stop blogging, and open one of them.

OR I could just embrace the insanity and join a book club, too.

Anyway, they’re all pretty decent so far, and I recommend them all.  I just wish I had one more bookmark.  This is why people keep giving me their business cards, though, right?

The Upside

Not being able to fall asleep until after three in the morning sucks. However, it does provide me the opportunity to read more blogs and news stories, as well as post some myself.

Last night, I found this article on New York times about a bunch of older women who were having a knit in against the war.   I think it was linked from Feministe.   Anyway, the wisdom of elders is undeniable when you read things like this quote from 93 year old grandmother Marie Runyon: “Give Iraq our Constitution, we’re not using it!”

Lazy Blogstress

I’ve been pretty lax in my posting so far in this new year. It’s pretty lame, I must admit. I had actually wanted to make sure I wrote more this year. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it was a resolution, as I don’t do that, but it is something I feel needs more of my attention. And not just writing the blog, but writing in general. But mostly, I really do just want to break another record with my page views.

I think there are two basic reasons, other than laziness, why I’m not blogging too much right now. Reason #1: I’ve been reading a lot of blogs. There’s so much going on in the world, so much to read, so little time to write. Seriously, check out some of the blogs on my blog roll. They’re awesome, and I’ve been engrossed.

Reason #2: I’m becoming more comfortable in my apartment. It’s starting to feel more like my space, and I’m also adjusting to being on my own again. As I feel more at home in the apartment, I feel like my stuff actually belongs there, so I take it out of the boxes. I’m down to three large boxes and two small. Some people try to tell me that I would feel at home if I would just unpack everything and put it away immediately, but that doesn’t work for me. I would feel awkward with all my books on shelves in a place that wasn’t mine.

So, as I’m adapting, I’m really enjoying the independence and freedom. I feel the old me coming out more. I like spending more time with myself. I come home, make myself something to eat, get into the lounge-wear, pop in a DVD, or turn on Project Runway. (Side note: They should have totally kicked out Ricky this week, not Kevin!) I’m going through my Netflix queue so much faster now. I got “3:10 to Yuma” this afternoon, and watched it right away. Love, love, love Christian Bale.

The down side to all of this is, once I have some independence, I only want more. I am totally slipping into a hermit routine that is just fine by me. I can watch all the Jane Austin movies I want! I got Pride & Prejudice, the good one with Colin Firth, on DVD for Christmas. Why on Earth would I want to leave the house?

But I will. You will see me again. I will venture out of these walls. I promise. No timetable on when it’s going to happen exactly, but yes, I will go out again. There are bands to be seen, after all. I may, however, be intolerably independent, though.

Just sayin’.