Tag: writing

Jack Kerouac

I watch a ton of documentaries, and I just finished watching one about Kerouac.  I’ve watched several about the Beats in general and specifically.   I’ve read On The Road and Dharma Bums, and I’ve enjoyed them.    Watching this film, though, man am I jealous.

He wrote On The Road in twenty-one days.   I can’t even fathom that.  I have a novel or two half-written, laying around.  Every once in awhile I add five or ten pages to them, and then they sit around for another four or five months, forlornly.  There’s so little in this world that I can accomplish in twenty-one days.  It makes me tired just thinking about it.   It also makes me want to push a few buttons on Netflix and start another movie.  That’s so much easier than writing.  Not to mention my least favorite friend, rewriting.   Ugh.  Revision.

Though there have been times when words have flown out of my mind and through my fingers via pen or keyboard, but never have I been able to type out a scroll of a novel in a matter of days.  Forget how good it is.  Forget that he changed and influenced the world.   Just that fete alone.

Of course, the amount that I could get done if I just started using a bunch of speed and drinking 24/7 might impact what I could accomplish, however, I think it would probably be in the opposite direction.  I can only imagine, thankfully, how distractible I could be on speed.

He died at 47, though.  I’m closer every day to 47 than I ever will be to 27 ever again, and I haven’t even had a single story or poem published, yet.  Think of what he left unwritten.

So right now I’m feeling a little bit inspired, but I’m not sure it’s to write.  I may just want to read On The Road again.

Just sayin’.

Too much?

Do you ever have that thing where you have too many good ideas?  Or at least, a lot of ideas that seem good, if only you could do them all.   If only I did not have to go to my job, or see my friends ever, or take my cat to the vet, I would be able to write all these stories and make all these YouTube videos and post all these blogs.   My studies would be going so much faster, and I could write that program that would do that thing.

 

Why can’t I just be unemployed and unloved?  It would be perfect!

 

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was Mara talking right there.

Mara the Demon

Okay, not exactly Mara, but maybe you know what I mean.  That’s the path away from reality and into a cyclical self-created drama that only exists in my head.

The thing is, time is finite.   When I leave this world, whenever that is, there will be a lot of things that I won’t have done that I would like to.  That happens to everyone.

And then I got this stupid cold, and I feel like such a slacker because I slept and read books instead of studying and writing.   I need to stop that.   That’s ridiculous.  I’m human.  And right here, right now, I’m a sick human, and that means I have to slow down and take care of myself.

I don’t know why I drive myself so hard sometimes, but I do know that it’s counterproductive.  Sometimes the reason why I don’t do things is because I’m so stymied by the feeling that I need to be creating things and doing useful things at all times.  I get so attached to that idea that it stops me in my tracks and I don’t do anything.   It’s part of my procrastination problem.  I want to do everything, and make everything, but I can’t, so I don’t even get started, and I don’t even try.     And then I feel guilty, which leads me right back to the beginning, and where I’m doing nothing but staring at Facebook for hours and feeling bad at myself.

But Facebook isn’t really the thing.  I mean, it’s distracting, and it’s designed to be distracting, but the distraction isn’t the problem.  The problem is being too much of a damn perfectionist, and expecting too much of myself and believing somehow that I’m not doing enough or being enough.   I am enough.  I am doing enough.   The words I write today are enough.  The code I figure out is enough.  The chords I learn are enough.

And just sitting here coughing and reading books is enough.

I am already who I’m supposed to be, and I don’t have to do anything more than what I do.

So, that’s my brain dump for the day.   It’s a mess, and it probably doesn’t make any sense, and it’s brilliant, and perfect, and exactly right.

Just sayin’.

Starting Over

It’s been years, really, since I did anything with this blog.  There’s a couple of reasons why I stepped away.  First and foremost, I have been working through a lot of personal shit.  I may go into this later.   For now I’ll say that I’ve remade a lot of my life, I’ve been working hard professionally, and I have been taking classes.   All of that left little to no time and even less emotional energy for this blog that I started mostly for laughs and to amuse my friends, but at some times turned into just the only place where I could express some of my opinions about my life, my surroundings, and the world I live in.

And then someone left a comment on here, a mean spirited personal attack.  But I can take that.  I usually laugh those off, in fact.  The difference with this one was that they included certain details that I have never, nor will ever disclose here on this blog.  I try to be open and honest here about the things that I want to be open and honest about, but I value my privacy.   This person went out of their way to make sure I knew that they were someone who knew me personally, and that they had really big problem with me.  Although, they did it anonymously, so I will never knew who they were/are, or why they did it.

It spooked me.   And it made me think twice about what I wanted to put out on the internet about myself, even if I was doing so under a pen name.

So for a long time, there was nothing that I wanted to write about that much, because I always thought, ‘am I opening myself up to that kind of attention again?’   The answer is, I don’t think I care so much anymore.   There are silly things that pop into my head, and dumb shit that happens to me that I want to subject the internet to, and if someone doesn’t like it or doesn’t like me, well then why are their dumb asses coming to my damn website in the first place, huh?

Seriously, though, there is a friend of mine who recently started a blog, and I feel inspired to start over.   Not really start over, because obviously there are hundreds of posts in my archives, and I’m not going to wipe all that out.  That would be stupid.    But there are a lot of things I’ve been thinking about that I want to write.   He really wants more people to view his blog, I think, and he definitely wants people to interact with it.  (I might post a link to his blog in the sidebar, but I’ll probably ask him first.)   I’ll probably send him a link to this, just so he knows that reading what he’s written in the last few days or weeks has helped me have more confidence about trying this again.  I doubt he’s ever seen this blog.  Most of my friends that I’ve made in the last four years have no idea that it exists.

And I’ll wrap this up with a music video I like.  Because I still love music, and having a soundtrack is important.    Just sayin’.

 

 

Lazy Blogstress

I’ve been pretty lax in my posting so far in this new year. It’s pretty lame, I must admit. I had actually wanted to make sure I wrote more this year. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it was a resolution, as I don’t do that, but it is something I feel needs more of my attention. And not just writing the blog, but writing in general. But mostly, I really do just want to break another record with my page views.

I think there are two basic reasons, other than laziness, why I’m not blogging too much right now. Reason #1: I’ve been reading a lot of blogs. There’s so much going on in the world, so much to read, so little time to write. Seriously, check out some of the blogs on my blog roll. They’re awesome, and I’ve been engrossed.

Reason #2: I’m becoming more comfortable in my apartment. It’s starting to feel more like my space, and I’m also adjusting to being on my own again. As I feel more at home in the apartment, I feel like my stuff actually belongs there, so I take it out of the boxes. I’m down to three large boxes and two small. Some people try to tell me that I would feel at home if I would just unpack everything and put it away immediately, but that doesn’t work for me. I would feel awkward with all my books on shelves in a place that wasn’t mine.

So, as I’m adapting, I’m really enjoying the independence and freedom. I feel the old me coming out more. I like spending more time with myself. I come home, make myself something to eat, get into the lounge-wear, pop in a DVD, or turn on Project Runway. (Side note: They should have totally kicked out Ricky this week, not Kevin!) I’m going through my Netflix queue so much faster now. I got “3:10 to Yuma” this afternoon, and watched it right away. Love, love, love Christian Bale.

The down side to all of this is, once I have some independence, I only want more. I am totally slipping into a hermit routine that is just fine by me. I can watch all the Jane Austin movies I want! I got Pride & Prejudice, the good one with Colin Firth, on DVD for Christmas. Why on Earth would I want to leave the house?

But I will. You will see me again. I will venture out of these walls. I promise. No timetable on when it’s going to happen exactly, but yes, I will go out again. There are bands to be seen, after all. I may, however, be intolerably independent, though.

Just sayin’.