An Open Letter to the Guy Not Looking for a Relationship

Dear Guy Not Looking for a Relationship,

It seems that, for whatever reason, you and I keep finding one another; it’s happened at least 4 times in the last year. I am beginning to think that I have somehow stumbled on a secret pheromone that only you can smell, or something. Perhaps it’s that I’ve been single for so, so long. Despite what you may think, though, I am not desperate. It’d be nice if it was someone else’s turn to take out the trash every once in awhile, but fortunately I’m in a financial position that I can pay a housecleaner, and she does it once every other week.

Regardless of how you keep landing on my doorstep, I think that you need to know something. Though I’m not desperate, I am also not not looking for a relationship. If that double negative has confused you, allow me to clarify, I’m not the one for you. I don’t want to continuously reside in the somewhere in-between, kinda, sorta, halfway, partly girlfriend space. It’s not particularly fun for me. Which doesn’t mean that I will expect you to make a commitment to me right off the bat, but if you know at the beginning that you’re not down, well then I offer the following suggestions to avoid any awkward situations.  

1. Stop asking me out

This seems to me like a bit of a no-brainer, but as it’s come up more than once, I suppose I am wrong. If you’re not looking for a relationship, don’t ask me out. Don’t invite me to have dinner. Don’t take me to a show. Don’t tell me you want to have dinner and get to know me. Don’t offer to pay for everything. Don’t make plans with me.

The thing is, if you ask me out on an actual date, you’re telegraphing an interest in more than just hanging out noncommittally for indefinitely. If you just want someone who’s going to provide affection without expecting all that much from you, don’t offer that much from the beginning. If you want me to know that you’re not trying to ever become my boyfriend, then you should refrain from inviting me to go anywhere in public, and if we are in public, for the love of god, don’t hold my hand. If you want an ungirlfriend, may I suggest sticking to late text messages asking me if I want to come over. Which I can ignore.

2. Stop asking me out

Once more, for emphasis, because you really don’t seem to get this one.

3. Don’t ask probing questions

Don’t ask me to tell you my deepest, darkest secrets. Don’t ask me about my life’s aspirations, or when I was my most happiest in life. Don’t ask me where I see myself in five years. Don’t give me career advice. Don’t ask about my family.

If you’re not interested in a particularly involved role in my future, don’t ask about it. Don’t even bring it up. If you’re looking for some sorta, kinda, but not really relationship that definitely starts with a lower case ‘r’ and not an upper case ‘R’, then don’t act like you want to know every last inch of my mind.

I will tell you one thing, my life’s aspiration is not you. I am not planning on spending the rest of my life with someone who is perfectly okay with me wandering off tomorrow and never coming back and who can’t be assed to put himself out a little bit to try to be loyal to me. I’m just fine on my own, if that’s my only choice.

4. Don’t introduce me to your parents

This just sends an awkward mixed signal. Also, I can’t imagine it’s going to be very comfortable for you the next time you see your dad, and he wants to know what happened to that charming girl whose hand you were holding at the dinner table the last time you saw him. If you’re not planning on go for full-fledged, official girlfriend/boyfriend status, keep me away from your family. And I’ll spare you mine.

In summation, if you don’t want a relationship, then don’t act like you do. It’s really easy. You do run the very high risk that I won’t be interested, but trust me when I say that there are plenty of other people out there who are looking for a relationship even less than you are, and I’m sure that they’d love to not be dating you.

Of course, my friends will say that there’s no point in even saying this, because you know exactly what you’re doing. They say that you want me to treat you as though you are a boyfriend with no intention of treating me like a girlfriend. They say you’ve used me. They say you’ve taken advantage. They say that there’s no way to stop it, because players are going to play. I chose to believe that you’re more clueless than cruel, and that you’ll take this all to heart. If I’m wrong, well, then you’re a fucking asshole.

Just sayin’.

 

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