Play some music really loudly, preferably something you kind of like to dance to. Cooking is hella boring, so you’ll want something to take your mind off of how dull you feel.
There’s probably no such thing as too much garlic.
Always use broth or stock. It makes people think you know what the hell you’re doing.
Using wine when you cook also makes people think you know what you’re doing. Bonus, you get to drink the wine while you cook. Julia Child taught me that.
In every bag of potatoes, there’s always that one that is pretty messed up. Don’t waste your time trying to cut off the bad parts of that one. Just throw it away.
Use every dish.
Try not to cook meat or dairy. There’s less chance that you’ll give everyone food poisoning that way.
Things you just have to leave on the stove or oven for an extended period of time are the best dishes. It gives you time to do something else while you wait, like straighten your hair or remember where you left your keys.
When it comes to vegetables, don’t peel them. Not only are all the nutrients and vitamins on the skin, but it saves you a lot of time. Also, potato peelers are pretty much just knuckle skin shavers.
Impersonating the Swedish Chef from The Muppets is required.
Doing the running man in the kitchen is acceptable.
No one is going to know or even care if you mash the potatoes by hand. Use a mixer. Trust me.
In the case of potlucks, don’t be afraid to buy something and put it in a dish. No one has to know that you didn’t cook it.
Cut every corner you can.
I hope you found this helpful. Good luck getting through the holidays.
I’m watching Colbert to see if he’s going to make fun of *me* again. And by me, of course I mean all feminists and people from San Francisco and vicinity. I know he was talking right to me.
So, yeah, so far no special messages sent out specifically to me, but oh my, the K-pop video. His hair in said K-pop video. Oh man. He’s so freaking cute.
No. No. No. I like him because he’s funny and smart. Must. Not. Objectify. Oh shit, I can’t help it, he’s too freaking cute.
He’s interviewing this gal, and she’s laughing. That would be me. I wouldn’t be able to answer his questions. I wouldn’t be able to fake being offended. I wouldn’t even be able to talk about whatever I was being interviewed on. I would laugh until I cried, and then I would just stare blankly and drool.
I was howling again last night. Stephen Colbert of course covered the protest surrounding the Olympic torch. And of course, you can’t do that without touching on what nut jobs the Franciscans are.
“Personally, I find an attack on a torch hypocritical in a city known for some pretty flaming parades.”
My favorite part, “We know that city burns. Moving on. Folks. Too soon? Too soon to joke about the San Francisco fires? I didn’t know we had centigenarians in the office. ”
I can’t post the video here, but here’s the link – http://www.comedycentral.com/colbertreport/videos.jhtml?videoId=165053 The other side of the funny coin is that apparently thousands of visitors and tourists (not to mention the ubiquitous San Francisco protesters) were disappointed when there was a last minute route change for the torch relay through The City. The change was made in order to avoid a confrontation with protesters, like those in London and Paris. I personally had no desire to see the torch, so I don’t care either way. I also don’t have a very high regard for the way the Chinese government has dealt with Tibet. However, it’s just the Olympics. We’ll make a big deal out of it, only watch a fraction of the begillion televised hours, and when the games are done, we’ll forget they even happened by Christmas.