Usually on Thursdays, people post (embarrassing) pictures of themselves from “back in the day”. I do it a little bit different.
Click on my First Grade School pic for a classic Just Sayin’ Blog post from “Way Back When”
Author: peggyluwho
What do you want to know? I'm a California native, and right now, I live 6 miles from where I was born. I'm single. I'm a feminist.
Ambivalence
One of my pet peeves is the misuse of words, and probably the word I hear misused the most, at least in my life and circle of associates, is ‘ambivalence’. People use it when what they really mean is ‘apathy’. ‘Apathy’ means you can’t be arsed, or you give no fucks at all. People often talk about being ambivalent about things they don’t care about. That’s not what that word means.
‘Ambivalence’ is when you’re of two minds or have mixed feelings about a thing.
For example, I am ambivalent about intimacy. That’s right, I have two minds about human touch and emotional closeness.
Almost every night, as I climb into bed, I long for someone to hold onto, but as I stretch out like a starfish, face down with four limbs splayed out in each direction, I appreciate the luxuriousness of a queen-sized bed for me and me alone. I imagine how nice it would be if there was someone to say goodnight to, but I’m glad it’s quiet and cool, and I don’t have to lie awkwardly still, while someone drops off to sleep, always first, beside me. I sit here, day after day, so glad to live alone, with time and space to study, read, film videos, and write, all the while feeling that I wish there was someone to sit next to me and read over my shoulder or tell me about their day. But then, if they could only stay for a short time, and go away again, that’d be good. I love to sit with my friends and talk for hours about how I just need to have more time peace and quiet. I love looking straight and deep into my friends eyes when they’re telling me a story, but I wish everyone would stop looking at me.
I crave it, and I don’t. I avoid it, and miss it. I wish I had it, and I run away from it when I see it coming. That is ambivalence.
So, if you really don’t give a rat’s ass about Fantasy Football, you’re not ambivalent about it. You’re apathetic.
Just sayin’.
I’m leaving it all undone
A reminder….getting stuff done isn’t everything in life.
Tired of Being Sick, Sick of Being Tired
I’ve been sick for over a week. Without getting too graphic, I’ve been having sinus trouble that’s been causing me to have a nasty cough. There are times during the day when I stop coughing for a few hours, and I think that I’m getting better, but it hasn’t lasted. I’ve tried everything that I can think of to try to cure my problem, or at least bring me relief. Some things help for a short time, but nothing has been permanent, obviously.
I’m a fan of herbal and home remedies, if you have’t noticed. I’d rather use something natural or chemical-free to fix my ailments, whenever possible. So, I’ve been using a plethora of products and methods. I have some herbal drops that I’ve been using to make tea, things with names like “Sinus & Lung Blaster.” I also sat the other night with my head hanging over a bowl of boiled water with eucalyptus oil under a mini-tent created by a sarong. Yes, I’ve been using the neti pot. And when all else has failed, I’ve even taken Mucinex. The thing is, unless I’m constantly drinking some beverage or other, sooner or later the stuff from my sinuses that’s ending up in my throat makes me cough. I’m well hydrated.
The other thing that stops the coughing is being asleep. I’m not having any trouble with being tired; I’m exhausted from all the coughing and running to the bathroom to return all the water and tea I’ve been drinking. The problem is balancing my desire for relief from both the coughing and the exhaustion with my previous and well documented insomnia problems.
This evening, I screwed up. I just couldn’t help it, and I couldn’t take it anymore. As soon as I got home from work, I went straight to bed. I really couldn’t help it, though. And it was delicious. I slept so good, and I wasn’t coughing. Even when I woke up, for a little while, I just laid there, and felt better than I’ve felt in over a week. Mr. Darcy, my cat, even came and laid next to me and purred for a little while I scratched behind his ears. It was cozy, and nice, and everything good.
The problem is, I only slept for three hours. And now here it is, 1 a.m. and I’m awake.
Because as an insomniac, the last thing I should ever do is take a nap after work, or nap for longer than 25 minutes ever. And I know this. And I did it anyway.
I should be going to bed every night at the same time, and getting up in the morning at the same time. I should follow the same routine every night before bed. I should never sit on my bed, or do anything on my bed, except for bed stuff. I should avoid caffeine after three in the afternoon. I should never drink alcohol. I know how helpful sleep medication can be, but habit forming, and I know the pitfalls of relying on them. I know that vanilla, chamomile, and lavender can make you drowsy. I know to turn off my electronics at least half an hour before I try to go to sleep.
I know all these rules. I live by these rules. I know the consequences of not following these rules. I also know the effects of sleep deprivation all too well. And I know there’s less of a chance that my immune system will be able to evict whatever is causing this sinus problem without proper sleep. In short, I know better.
But god damn was that nap worth it!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pee for the 500th time today, and then I’m going to try to find something really boring to read.
Just sayin’.
Throwback Thursday Post
Usually on Thursdays, people post (embarrassing) pictures of themselves from “back in the day”. I’m going to do it a little bit different.
Click on my First Grade School pic for a special TBT Blog post
This is what starting over looks like
I have some work to do.
Just sayin’
Quote for Today
I don’t know that I necessarily want to get into doing a QOTD type thing, but here’s a quote I found, and it’s lovely for today.
For now she need not think about anybody. She could be herself, by herself. And that was what now she often felt the need of—to think; well, not even to think. To be silent; to be alone. All the being and the doing, expansive, glittering, vocal, evaporated; and one shrunk with the sense of solemnity, to being oneself, a wedge-shaped core of darkness, something invisible to others. Although she continued to knit, and sat upright, it was thus that she felt herself; and this self having shed its attachments was free for the strangest adventures. When life sank down for a moment, the range of experience seemed limitless….Beneath it is all dark, it is all spreading, it is unfathomably deep; but now and again we rise to the surface and that is what you see us by. Her horizon seemed to her limitless.
– Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse
I hope you enjoyed that. I found it to be a wonderful description of what’s possible by letting go and being present. Living in this precise moment is more expansive than one might realize, if you can manage it.
Too much?
Do you ever have that thing where you have too many good ideas? Or at least, a lot of ideas that seem good, if only you could do them all. If only I did not have to go to my job, or see my friends ever, or take my cat to the vet, I would be able to write all these stories and make all these YouTube videos and post all these blogs. My studies would be going so much faster, and I could write that program that would do that thing.
Why can’t I just be unemployed and unloved? It would be perfect!
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was Mara talking right there.
Okay, not exactly Mara, but maybe you know what I mean. That’s the path away from reality and into a cyclical self-created drama that only exists in my head.
The thing is, time is finite. When I leave this world, whenever that is, there will be a lot of things that I won’t have done that I would like to. That happens to everyone.
And then I got this stupid cold, and I feel like such a slacker because I slept and read books instead of studying and writing. I need to stop that. That’s ridiculous. I’m human. And right here, right now, I’m a sick human, and that means I have to slow down and take care of myself.
I don’t know why I drive myself so hard sometimes, but I do know that it’s counterproductive. Sometimes the reason why I don’t do things is because I’m so stymied by the feeling that I need to be creating things and doing useful things at all times. I get so attached to that idea that it stops me in my tracks and I don’t do anything. It’s part of my procrastination problem. I want to do everything, and make everything, but I can’t, so I don’t even get started, and I don’t even try. And then I feel guilty, which leads me right back to the beginning, and where I’m doing nothing but staring at Facebook for hours and feeling bad at myself.
But Facebook isn’t really the thing. I mean, it’s distracting, and it’s designed to be distracting, but the distraction isn’t the problem. The problem is being too much of a damn perfectionist, and expecting too much of myself and believing somehow that I’m not doing enough or being enough. I am enough. I am doing enough. The words I write today are enough. The code I figure out is enough. The chords I learn are enough.
And just sitting here coughing and reading books is enough.
I am already who I’m supposed to be, and I don’t have to do anything more than what I do.
So, that’s my brain dump for the day. It’s a mess, and it probably doesn’t make any sense, and it’s brilliant, and perfect, and exactly right.
Just sayin’.
Broken
To say that 2014-to-date has been challenging for me so far I think is a bit of an understatement. I had an accident while playing soccer. On March 2nd, I broke my leg. It was a tibial plateau fracture. (Do yourself a favor, and don’t Google that. Just trust me.)
The thing was, at the time, I was probably in the best shape of my whole life. I was training for a half-marathon. The day before I broke my leg, I ran eleven miles. I was running three or five days, taking a dance class or two, weight training, and playing soccer every week. I even had a trainer I was working with. I was probably in better shape then that time I decided it was a good idea to do bootcamp classes three times every week for about six months. (Side note: Watch this video, because it’s ridiculous, and realize that their form isn’t very good:
)
The thing that I really loved most about running was that it was meditative. I would get into a good rhythm, and then it was just right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. I was present, and mindful in my body with each step, particularly at the longer distances. I was focused on breathing, and listening to my own rhythm. It was a really great way to be in touch with my body and mind. It had a tremendous effect on my self-esteem, and general well-being.
I had set out to do a half-marathon, because it just seemed like a thing that people did, especially a lot of people in the fitness and outdoors obsessed San Francisco Bay Area. But after I conquered that 11-mile run, I felt like the half-marathon was going to be easy, and perhaps too easy. I was already thinking that I might have to try a full marathon after that. I surprised myself with my ability. I wasn’t very fast, but I could go-go-go.
It only took a split second for that idea to come crashing down. A much bigger dude than me and I decided that one of us was going to get to the ball first. What actually happened was that his knee made contact with my shin about an inch below my knee-cap. I spent the evening in the emergency room, and the next six-and-a-half weeks on crutches.
While I was laid up, I thought I would get so much stuff done, and be so productive. I have nothing but time. I thought I’d write like a fiend. It was around this time that I started thinking seriously about starting the YouTube channel. I thought I would study French, play my guitar, learn to code. Really, though, I was just in a grumpy and lazy place. What I really did was watch a lot of documentaries on NetFlix. My patience was already tested, and I didn’t have any left for working on any of my projects. Truthfully, I was probably missing out on the rhythm of my running.
When I finally got off the crutches, this is what walking looked like:
Of course, then to add insult to my injury, about a month ago, I got shingles.
I’ve been in physical therapy up until Thursday, when I finally graduated, but I still have a long time to go before I’m fully recovered. I may no longer be taking those first wobbly baby steps, but I can’t run more than a tenth of a mile at a time right now. I have a very regimented rehab program that I am on, and it will be months before I’m able to run more than a mile or two at a time. The hardest part is taking it slowly. I just want to run so bad.
Things are looking up. I am feeling a lot better. I know that I will be able to run the way I did before, in time. But it has been a helluva year, and it’s taken a lot out of me. I am impressed with how I’ve bounced back, but it hasn’t been easy.
I will get back to where I was, though. I will run a half-marathon. And after that, maybe a full.
Just sayin’.
Big Life Goals Pt. 3 – Tools
If you remember from last time, I went over some tips and techniques for beating a procrastination problem.
I have to say that in the weeks since I decided that I really wanted to do something about this problem, I have gotten a lot more done. I’ve been more consistent in studying my programming, and in writing. I started that YouTube channel, which I think falls under the category of writing. I feel more productive, and I think that is having a positive effect on my mood in general. I’ve also become very protective of my time.
When I set out to do research on beating procrastination, I discovered that there are a lot of tools that are available to help a person be more productive and manage their time. I want to share some with you, because some of them have changed my life. Since I am a Mac computer user, a lot of the computer apps are geared towards Apple. That being said, I don’t own an iPhone, so I’m not completely biased.
Notes and Lists and Things
The first thing I found that has really been helping me out is Evernote. They have a desktop app, a website, a tablet, and a phone app. (Yep, even for Android.) The thing that is so great about Evernote is its versatility. You can make into almost anything you need it to be. It can be your calendar, your contacts, a notebook for saving ideas, and probably a dozen other things that I haven’t even thought of yet. It even has the ability in the phone app to do voice notes, if you can’t stop to type it in. It has a structure where you create notes, which can be saved under notebooks, and those notebooks can be stacked. There’s a ton of tutorials on YouTube for the different ways that people use it. I may do one of my own.
I have mine set up in two basic ways. First there’s the to-do lists. I’ve always been against the idea of a to-do list, but somehow being able to set it up my own way in Evernote has really made it more bearable. There are four of them, Today, Tomorrow, This Week, and This Year. Every day, I write a list of the things I want to get done. For today, I had blog, laundry, and study. (Blog…check.) It even lets you format with little check boxes, so you can check things off when you’ve completed them.
Then I also make a list for what I think I want to work on tomorrow. And then that all sort of rolls up into a weekly to-do list, that looks like this:
So, if I know that I want to study twice per week, then I know I have to put it on this list for today and for tomorrow. I also like to keep in mind any events or plans I have. If I’m going on vacation, I’ll put less on the list, and not over commit.
The other section I set up in Evernote is basically just a bunch of organized notes. It’s my repository for ideas and things I want to remember. When I’m at work, I log into their website to take notes in meetings, and write to-do lists. I have one long ongoing list of notes from every meeting I have with my boss. I have a list of blogs that I want to read later, ideas for future blogs I want to write, ideas for future YouTube videos, short story ideas, novel ideas, study notes, awesome sentences I thought of or overheard that might make be a great first sentence of a story, a list of websites for things I might want to do on my next vacation, so many tiny houses, and for some reason, a single note with a url for this.
Eliminating Distractions
Evernote is great, because you can bend it to your will. But if your problem is willpower, then these next two apps could be helpful, Freedom and Self-Control. Freedom is an app that makes it impossible for your computer to login to the internet for a set amount of time. I hear that Michael Chabon uses it when he’s writing. This is great for me if I’m working on just writing a story, but not so great if I’m doing my online Python class, which of course requires me to be on the internet. That’s where Self-Control comes in handy. It’s very similar to Freedom, in that it limits your internet and has a timer, but it works with a blacklist. You basically add the sites that you find yourself being distracted by, like Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube, but you can still get to the rest of the internet. I like to break my work periods up into 45 minute chunks. I mentioned the Pomodoro Technique last time, and yes, there’s an app for that, too. Although I haven’t tried it.
There’s also another app that I haven’t tried, which I may. It’s called Habit RPG. It basically turns your daily tasks and productivity into a video game. You get points for checking things off of your to-do list, and achieving goals. I read about it in this article on Lifehacker, which was all about how to “gamify” your productivity. Gamification is huge right now.
Motivation
Those are all some really great positive reinforcements, but like I’ve mentioned, I’m pretty highly motivated by negative reinforcement, mostly by way of fear of public embarrassment. This is where the website stickK comes into play. stickK is a website where you can set a goal, make a commitment to follow through with that goal, and if you don’t, there’s a consequence. There’s a lot of options on the site for what the consequence might be, and they’re optional. However, one of the more popular features of the site is that you can set as your consequence that a certain amount of money will be donated to an anti-charity of your choice, should you not meet your commitment.
This is where it gets good, and you get to cheer me on or root against me!
Since one of my Big Life Goals is to write a novel, I need to be writing more, like a lot more. Not just on my novel, but in general. It’s a muscle that needs exercising. So, for the next six weeks, I commit to writing at least one blog post of 300 words or more per week. Linking to an article with a three sentence summary of my feelings on it won’t count. Pictures of my cat won’t count. YouTube videos won’t count.
And for any week that I don’t do it, $10 is going to be donated to the NRA in my name. Now, how’s that for some motivation?
If you want to cheer me or jeer me, click here to follow.
What about you?
Do you have any tools or apps that you use to keep yourself on task? Do you have a specific way of setting up Evernote that helps you stay productive?
Do you think I’m crazy for even risking donating to the NRA? Are you pissed that I would choose the NRA as my “anti-charity” and have a lot of things to tell me about your Second Amendment rights?
Peggy Lu Who's Just Sayin' 