Month: April 2010

Sometimes I Can’t Believe I’m Not Screaming

I know the title of this blog sounds like some sort of emocore band’s disappointing sophomore release.  I know it, and I’m still not going to change it.   Because it’s true.    I am really amazed that I’m not screaming.   Frequently.

I’ll be the first to admit that I basically suck at life.   Well, not all of life, really, but just relating to most of the other people on this planet.  But the thing is, I don’t think it’s just me.   I think we’re all just wandering around blindly bumping into one another, stepping on each others’ toes, pushing in on one another, pushing each other around, and making asses of ourselves.   And it’s so often way too much for me, pushing and being pushed, and it seems like I would feel so much better to just let it out in a blood curdling, gutteral, primal scream.

And I honestly don’t know how it is that I’m not just screaming my head off out of pure frustration.

Screaming because I’m not being heard.   Screaming because everyone stands too close.  Screaming because I just want everyone to stop moving for a minute.  Screaming because I want everything to stop for a minute.  Screaming because everything and everyone are being too loud.   Screaming because it’s too quiet.  Screaming because I’m lonely.  Screaming because they’re scaring me.   Screaming because they don’t understand.    Screaming because I don’t know how to explain it.    Screaming because it doesn’t make any sense.  Screaming because I messed it up again.   Screaming because I just want to be left alone.  Screaming because I don’t like it.   Screaming because I do.   Screaming because they’re not listening.   Screaming because I don’t matter.    Screaming because they won’t leave me alone.   Screaming because they’re hurting me. And screaming because I just want to be myself.    Screaming because I want a little space to myself that is my own.

But I’m not screaming.   I’m just sitting here in my room, feet under an electric blanket, listening to A Fine Frenzy, writing this blog.    Maybe that’s what we’re all doing.   Maybe I’m not the only one fighting off the urge.

Or maybe I’m just nuts, and it really is just me.

I doubt it.

Just sayin’.

Not a Geek! Not a Nerd! Not a Dork!

I took this online quiz/personality test, and apparently I’m not a geek, a nerd, or a dork…..I’m all three.   I think I knew that.

Your result for The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test…

Outcast Genius

52 % Nerd, 61% Geek, 61% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don’t care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occassion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius.

Congratulations!

Thanks Again!

CSGL – More thoughts on Online Dating

OK – so I’m trying the online dating thing, again.  Why?  Well, two reasons, really.   No, scratch that – three reasons.   #1 – why the hell not.  #2 – Sitting around moaning about a guy who already has a girl isn’t getting me anywhere and #3 – more than one person recommended I give it another shot, just, you know, Not Craig’s List.    I’m also window shopping for kittens on the internet….. and honestly, those two things are virtually the same activity, except that the kittens have the common sense to avoid the following blunders:

  • “partner in crime” …. Don’t.  Ok?  Just….don’t.
  • People that say that they like all types of music, as in, “I like everything.  Really!” are just afraid of commitment
  • ooohhhh….you have a motorcycle.   Um, NEXT!
  • Why are you posing with a panther in your profile pic?  And also, why did it take me so long to figure out what it was?  (Is that a dog?  Is that a bear?  Wait, it’s a panther, isn’t it?  wow)
  • I get it.  You’re really into making the sexy with the women.   What else are you into, horn-dog?
  • You have more than one photo of yourself in zombie/skull make-up on your dating profile….. You have more than one photo of yourself in zombie/skull make-up on your dating profile ……
  • Punctuation is your friend.
  • Why are there so many pictures of guys on top of rocks on these profiles?   I guess every guy who goes on online dating is a rock climber.   I wonder what the cause and effect is with that?   Which came first – personality test or thrill seeking outdoors-manship?
  • You sent me a poem…a poem you wrote originally for some other broad.   And it’s not even good.   Ugh.

Shoot me.   Seriously.   In the head.

Just sayin’.

Eleanor Roosevelt Once Said ….

It’s not her birthday, or anything, but I was thinking about Mrs. Roosevelt today.  I have a refrigerator magnet that shows a picture of Eleanor Roosevelt, and a quote from her:  “Do something every day that scares you.”

That’s not such a hard philosophy for me to follow.  I’m usually pretty scared of everything.    I’m scared of everything staying the same, and I’m scared of things changing.    I’m scared of my past, and I’m scared of my future.   Hell, I’m scared of sock monkeys.   I just need to remember that if some decision I face or some circumstance frightens the daylight out of me, well then I’m probably doing something right.    Life shouldn’t be too easy.

Momser read me this quote once, where she said: “Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.”

I can only be myself.    I cannot be what people need me or want me to be, unless what they want and need me to be is just myself.   I struggle with being myself.    But I know that I, myself, sometimes have to do things that other people don’t understand or wouldn’t do.   And if there’s something in the way of me being as me as I can be, well I guess it’s my duty to break it down.

That all got me to thinking quite a bit more about Mrs. Roosevelt, and so I started going through collections of her quotes, and here are a few more that have some meaning to me.

She said: “A little simplification would be the first step toward rational living, I think.”

I need to take a step back, and look around.   Nothing needs to be this complicated.  It is.  I am.

She said: “Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.”

I need to stop worrying so much about what others think of my actions.  I have to do what I have to do.   There will always be someone who disagrees or who would do it differently.     They’re not looking my reality in the face.

She said: “I have spent many years of my life in opposition, and I rather like the role.”

I should try to find some more pleasure in being different.   I can’t always agree, and I don’t want to.   It wouldn’t be much fun.  Life wouldn’t be as much fun if we all agreed about anything.   From the big things to the little things, I need to find a way to say, “I don’t agree with you.”

She said: “Life must be lived and curiosity kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.”

And finally she also said: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”

So I’m going to live my life, be myself, cut the fat, voice my unpopular opinions, scare the crap right out of myself.   And if I do this, if I follow the advice of Eleanor Roosevelt, well, I think I might not be too bad off.    And I think if Eleanor were here, she’d give me an encouraging smile and tell me to get to it.    Because …”It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.”

And as always, I’m just sayin’.

CSGL- Weird in the Water

I’ve had enough of this weekend.  It’s a good thing that it’s now going on midnight Sunday, so I can put it behind me.    Have you ever had one of these where everywhere you go, everyone seems to be under some enormous pressure to be as weird as possible?   Maybe one of you will tell me there’s some astrological event happening, and I’ll think it’s a coincidence…..or maybe not.

It all sort of started with me deciding to try to put Object of Crush behind me.  At this point, it seems pretty clear that it just ain’t gonna happen.   I’m ever more aware of the fact that he’s seeing someone else, and I just don’t do that “steal them away” thing.   So, Friday night, out with friends, seeing The Phenomenauts, and there’s this adorable guy that I’ve known for some time, and well, I went for it, only to be slapped with the cold hand of rejection.

SIDE NOTE: I would like to take this opportunity to tell all of my friends who tell me that I just need to let guys know more bluntly that I’m interested and I’ll suddenly be getting my pick of the litter to Eff Off Real Hard!   I now have proof that you are wrong.   I will now go right back to chatting with the bean dip.

Any rate, top that off with a dessert of old friend telling me that some day he wouldn’t be so wrong for me, and when that day came, he was going to come for me, and I better watch out.  (paraphrasing)  He was kind of very drunk, so I don’t know how much truth there was to that, but it was sort of adorable.    And then there was a whole lot of odd directed at Kayphore as well.

In between all these ups and downs, we danced, and that part at least was good.  I still say that dancing is my favorite thing ever.   Moving my body in a rhythm can almost always save me from anything.   Also, sometimes I forget myself, and I dance like no one is watching and that is probably the most free I have ever felt.

Anyway, as I was saying, the evening was weird, so Kayphore and I didn’t waste any time in Busting a Move out of there, and made sure to fall asleep back at her place before any more “fun” could find us.

Saturday evening was even more fun, and involved some serious forced attention on someone dear to me who didn’t want it, some false information being spread about me, and then some bullshit guilt trip forced on me because once again, I did not know where to stand or what to say to just about anyone.   I can’t say it was all bad.   That bit about comparing making out to me with my new braces (oh yeah, by the way, I totally have a mouth full of metal and look even more like I’m half my age now.  Score!) to kissing a toaster was genius.

So, today Kayphore and I decided to make that all up to ourselves with a shopping spree to Ikea.

And then we ate Indian curries, because that’s our idea of comfort food.

So, yeah, so glad that’s over with, and now I get to go back to work tomorrow.

Just sayin’.