Sometimes I Can’t Believe I’m Not Screaming

I know the title of this blog sounds like some sort of emocore band’s disappointing sophomore release.  I know it, and I’m still not going to change it.   Because it’s true.    I am really amazed that I’m not screaming.   Frequently.

I’ll be the first to admit that I basically suck at life.   Well, not all of life, really, but just relating to most of the other people on this planet.  But the thing is, I don’t think it’s just me.   I think we’re all just wandering around blindly bumping into one another, stepping on each others’ toes, pushing in on one another, pushing each other around, and making asses of ourselves.   And it’s so often way too much for me, pushing and being pushed, and it seems like I would feel so much better to just let it out in a blood curdling, gutteral, primal scream.

And I honestly don’t know how it is that I’m not just screaming my head off out of pure frustration.

Screaming because I’m not being heard.   Screaming because everyone stands too close.  Screaming because I just want everyone to stop moving for a minute.  Screaming because I want everything to stop for a minute.  Screaming because everything and everyone are being too loud.   Screaming because it’s too quiet.  Screaming because I’m lonely.  Screaming because they’re scaring me.   Screaming because they don’t understand.    Screaming because I don’t know how to explain it.    Screaming because it doesn’t make any sense.  Screaming because I messed it up again.   Screaming because I just want to be left alone.  Screaming because I don’t like it.   Screaming because I do.   Screaming because they’re not listening.   Screaming because I don’t matter.    Screaming because they won’t leave me alone.   Screaming because they’re hurting me. And screaming because I just want to be myself.    Screaming because I want a little space to myself that is my own.

But I’m not screaming.   I’m just sitting here in my room, feet under an electric blanket, listening to A Fine Frenzy, writing this blog.    Maybe that’s what we’re all doing.   Maybe I’m not the only one fighting off the urge.

Or maybe I’m just nuts, and it really is just me.

I doubt it.

Just sayin’.

Author: peggyluwho

What do you want to know? I'm a California native, and right now, I live 6 miles from where I was born. I'm single. I'm a feminist.

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