Month: July 2010

SGL – Nothing Crazy About It

So, you know, right after the “divorce”, I sort of went on a tear where I had to be having all the fun and the excitement all the time.   I guess I had something to prove.  Or more like I had something to reclaim.    Running off to bars on a whim,   Dodging personal questions.  Oh wow, Tijuana. Dying my hair “Go-Eff-Yourself-Red”.   And who could forget being kidnapped by a rockstar.  You get the point.   So, yeah, I would say that it definitely wasn’t that I had something to prove (well except maybe the hair) as much as it was about focusing on the positive side of finding myself in the position of being single, which was wholly unexpected.

These days, I reclaim this spot on the couch, mostly.   Because right now, the best part of being single is the part where I get to sit here, and not do a damn thing I don’t want to do.   I get to watch what I want to watch on TV, listen to this Imogene Heap album that I downloaded the other night as much as I want, scratch my butt, and best of all, have a cat.

Mr. Darcy

So, yeah, it’s Saturday night, and I’m not out on the town, and that’s not the slightest bit unusual.   I’m sitting here trying to find a pair of shoes to go with a dress to wear to a wedding in a couple of weeks, because I’ve become a girl who goes to a lot of weddings.   And Speak For Yourself really is a very nice album, and you should download it, too.

It may not be as crazy, but it’s me.  Me being me with myself (and my cat) , and there’s nothing in the world better than that.

Just sayin’.

CSGL – Ruins

A couple of weeks ago, I added a post dated entry into my Google Calendar, an all day event set it to repeat yearly, and set to send me an email to remind me.   No, it wasn’t someone’s birthday or anniversary.    It’s not a holiday.  It’s not a reminder to change the battery in my smoke detector.  It’s not a note to take my cat to the vet.   No, friends, my new event literally is called “The Day I Met the Next Guy Who’s Going to Ruin My Life.”

See, ’cause the thing is, I’ve been thinking about this idea of a ruined life.   “He ruined my life.”   Yeah, I’ve said it.  Meant it, too.   My life’s been ruined a few times.   Not always, but more than once, by some dude.   Something happens, and the whole thing gets turned upside down and rattled around, my stuff goes flying, my plans get thrown out the window, and every idea about what I thought was real or who I thought I was gets shitcanned.   Some guy who three months ago swore up and down that he just never could cope with living without me suddenly does a 180 and dumps my ass.    A bandmate sexually harasses me.   I move for the five millionth time.   I lose someone I love.

All those things suck.  They’re unpleasant at best, and down right traumatic at worst.  It’s the kind of shit that makes your life feel like a real struggle.   It’s tiring, and it’s stressful.   You second guess yourself, and you wonder what you did wrong five million times over.   “Why doesn’t he love me anymore?”   “Why did she have to go?”   And then the what-ifs set in, and that’s when it really gets miserable.    And if you’re me, that’s the point where you spend the next three months (who am I kidding, try two years) on the couch watching whatever the hell comes on TV, just so you don’t have to listen to what’s in your head.

But this is the part where I’m gonna fuck with your mind, because I have to say, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to have your life ruined.   Sometimes the life you have ought to be ruined, the plans ought to be thrown out the window, and that idea you have about what was what deserves to be shitcanned.   Because that ex, well, he was kind of a dick, and I kind of dodged a bullet when he dumped me.  That old studio apartment, it was kind of scary when the hookers were hanging out on just the other side of a thin piece of glass.    And that job?    I sure as shit couldn’t stay at that job one more minute.

And that’s when you get up off the couch, and you do something different.   You get a better job.  You join a cooler band.   You plant a rose bush.   You meet a new guy who’s ten times hotter than your ex.

So, yeah, I met this guy.   Right now we’re just friends.    A whole lot of talking going on, and not hardly any action.   And who knows what the hell is going to happen.  It could never be anymore than what it is right now.   In fact, I’m going to go on record and say that it is highly fucking likely that he and I will never be more than friends who flirt.   Or maybe meeting him really will be the thing that ruins this life I’ve been living, one way or another, for better or worse, and I might have to start all over again.

But with or without this dude or any dude, life has a way of changing.   Things don’t stay the same.   They’re not meant to.  You’re meant to get dropped on your head every once in a while.   It’s just the way things go, and this shit, this shit right here, it builds character.   It’s made me into the scrappy little smartass you see before you.   And I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

And he seriously is way way way hotter than my ex.

Just sayin’.

Why Is It?

Why is it that I only write blogs when I can’t sleep?    Seriously.    And maybe if I just went ahead and wrote more blogs, well, then maybe I’d sleep better.     Like not having written this is what’s the problem to begin with.   I don’t necessarily believe that, because there are plenty of times that I have sat down to do this, and in the process of writing something, it all just sort of opens up more bags of worms, more questions that aren’t going to be answered tonight, and added fuel to the flame of my overactive imagination.

Once again I’ve become a lax blogger, and I’m not even going to try to make some excuse or say that I’m going to turn over a new leaf.   You could be reading this now, and there’s no guarantee that I’ll have anything more to write for another three months.   But who knows, maybe tomorrow…..

But the fact remains, my life is kinda dull right now.  Basically all I had going for me there for quite some time as a source of material was that monstrous crush.    That is thankfully finally behind me.    I mean, don’t get my wrong, I appreciate it for the creative wealth that it was, but at the end of the day, the agony of the thing wasn’t worth it.   A girl can only take so many mixed messages, you know, and there’s only so long that you can hold on to some kind of unreasonable hope.     Thankfully, one day, he did something absolutely maddening to the point of being the most unattractive thing I’ve ever seen, and that was that.     I send him on his way, wish him well, and count my blessings.    (“Yes.  Go, go.   I would not wish you back again.”)

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is ….”NEXT”.    I sort of am ready for something else to be going on in my life.   I want to have some ridiculous thing to write about that hopefully when you read about it will make you unsure of whether to laugh or not.    Some ridiculous sort of thing that I could go on about for a while, work myself into some silly rant about, and at the end of it all, come to the conclusion that I’m “just sayin'”.

Right now, well, I got nothing… well, maybe not nothing, but definitely nothing amusingly anecdotal to unleash in this forum.   All I’ve got is some flashes in my head of where I’d rather be or what I’d rather be doing.    And a whole lot of long hard work, that while boring as shit, I have to admit is deeply satisfying.

So, that’s that, and so I conclude without nearly my regular amount of enthusiasm –

Just sayin’.