CSGL – The Test

So, here’s the thing – it’s come to my attention that I could probably benefit for being a bit more selective about who I go out with.   In fact, I’ve been flat out, point blank told that I’ve been dating morons who are well beneath me.     In an effort to help myself choose more wisely, I’m compiling a list of standards, a list of real or hypothetical situations and characteristics which would eliminate fellas from my dating pool.    Some of this shit may seem pretty obvious, but I’m just trying to be, um, comprehensive.   It’s kind of like a true or false test to determine a dude’s value as a potential date.     There is no curve, and this test is pass-fail.   This is 100% of your grade.   I reserve the right to add more questions as I see fit at any time.

And so, I present, the test!  I will not date you if:

  1. You are so drunk while you are hitting on me that you don’t notice that you’re dribbling or drooling beer down your chin and onto your chest.
  2. You do not have some sort of occupation (doesn’t necessarily have to be a 9-5 type job or even a job – you could be a student, for example).
  3. Your pick up line is “I have a really good job”.
  4. You live with your parents.
  5. You introduce me to a group of your friends as ‘my girlfriend’, but later claim to have nothing but platonic feelings for me.
  6. You ignore me.
  7. You don’t listen to me.
  8. You have a hobby that you insist that I adopt as a condition of our dating.
  9. Your favorite band is Limp Bizkit, Korn, Hoobastank, Creed, Coldplay, or Linkin Park.
  10. You work in law enforcement.
  11. You try to sleep with my friends behind my back.
  12. You’re mean to my cat.
  13. You’re married.
  14. You already have a girlfriend.
  15. You already have a boyfriend.
  16. You are in the middle of a divorce.
  17. You get arrested on our first date.
  18. You have no idea who Lloyd Dobbler is.
  19. You think making fun of me is a form of flirting.
  20. You are constantly giving me mixed signals.
  21. You haven’t read at least two books in the last six months.
  22. You have an issue of Maxim in your bathroom.
  23. You voted for George W. Bush.
  24. You try to get me to make-out with a girl so you can watch.
  25. You ask me if I have a Brazilian.
  26. You have a child out in the world that you’re not helping to raise.
  27. You don’t want to wear a condom.
  28. You come on to me so hard that I feel a little frightened.
  29. You knowingly try to hit on me the same week that I got dumped by some other dude.
  30. You don’t want to see my favorite movie at least once, even though you think it will probably be totally lame.
  31. You don’t like “kids’ movies”.
  32. You say my friend is ‘weird’.
  33. You say my friend is ‘gross’.
  34. You ask for a foot massage on our second date.
  35. You hate or fear children.
  36. You say something to me that is so absurd and ridiculous that I feel obligated to start a tumblr based on it.
  37. You refuse to meet me halfway.
  38. You act like you might be into men, but refuse to admit it.
  39. You scare me.
  40. You scare my friends.
  41. You want to put me up on a pedestal or treat me as a trophy.
  42. You are not supportive of my goals.
  43. You insist that I get into a serious, monogamous relationship with you immediately after I meet you without giving me a chance to get to know you first.
  44. You so much as mention that you might want me to change a single molecule of my body in any way.
  45. You try to move in with me without being asked.
  46. You use my toothbrush.
  47. You leave the bathroom door open while you’re using it.
  48. You over share about how you’re carrying baggage from your ex from ten years ago the first time we have a conversation.
  49. You give unsolicited advice and then get angry when I tell you that I have the situation under control and don’t need your advice.
  50. You offer me your phone number, and then get upset with me for calling you.
  51. You say “you’re not how I expected you to be from reading your blog”….. Seriously, get the fuck out!

EXTRA CREDIT:  You could get an immediate pass if one of my close girl friends gives you the thumbs up.    Let’s face it, their bullshit-detecters are much better than mine.

Stuff To Do

I am procrastinating.  There’s quite a few things that I should possibly be doing right now, but instead, I’m sitting here typing up a list of what those things are.   Maybe by public airing the extent of my laziness, I will somehow embarrass myself, and that will motivate me to get this stuff done.   Probably not, but anyway, here’s the list. (In no particular order.)

  • Call my dad to tell him that his fifth and sixth great-grandchildren were born on Friday
  • Brush my teeth
  • Floss my teeth
  • Wash my face
  • Write my novel
  • Balance my checkbook
  • Wash the dishes
  • Feed the cat
  • Take out the Trash
  • Put away my laundry
  • Dust
  • Write my building manager about the water that has been pouring out of the whole in the ceiling in my bathroom for the past month….again
  • Update LinkedIn
  • Take a shower
  • Drink a glass of water
  • Write my penpal back
That’s right.   I’m too lazy to even get up off the couch to get myself a glass of water.   I got home from work this evening, and I ordered too much Chinese food for delivery, and then I ate way too much of that Chinese food.  I’m either really useless, or super zen.   Let’s go with zen.
After all, I’m too lazy to beat up on myself.
And my fortune cookie reads: Are your legs tired?  You been running through someone’s mind ALL day long.
I think I just got hit on by a fortune cookie.  And the cat is so hungry, he just tried to eat the paper.
I am so zen.
Just sayin’.

Things I Love

I’ve been trying to snap myself out of a funk (most likely induced by me missing Hawaii and having had this damn headache for three days now), and so I’ve been putting this list together in my head of things I love.   And maybe if I put it out there, I’ll get some of it back.

  • pretty eyes, especially blue ones
  • songs that make me dance
  • listening to someone tell a story
  • kissing
  • writing the perfect first paragraph
  • chocolate
  • the smell of coffee
  • apricots
  • big hugs
  • hot sun on my shoulders
  • flowers
  • flying through the air (on my bike, off of a rope swing, running)
  • high fives
  • daydreaming
  • flavorful beer
  • laughing so hard that I cry
  • flip flops
  • long showers
  • art supplies
  • pumpkin flavored anything
  • my tattoos
  • clean sheets
  • fortune cookies
Did I miss anything good?

Nightmare Scenarios

Here’s a list of things I don’t want to hear from people who have read this here blog:

  • I’ve been reading your blog, and I got you this sock monkey!
  • I’ve been reading your blog;  am I the Object of Crush?  (from, you know, Not Him)
  • I’ve been reading  your blog….you’re weird.
  • I’ve been reading your blog; can I give you the number of my psychiatrist?
  • I’ve been reading your blog; why do you listen to all those crappy bands?
  • I’ve been reading your blog, and I found out where you live, and I’ve been hiding in the bush outside your window for the last 90 days.
  • I’ve been reading your blog;  actually, I submitted some of your writing as my own, and just got offered a book deal.  Thanks!
  • I’ve been reading your blog;  your mom sounds hot.  Can I have her number?
  • I’ve been reading your blog, and I want to meet you and go on a date.  (yeah, this sort of happened once, and now I know why it’s a nightmare)


Things That Sort of Scare Me….

Or That Completely Scare the Shit Right Out of Me

  • Snails
  • Their homeless cousins – Slugs
  • Teenage Boys
  • Sock Monkeys
  • Scary Movies
  • Ghost Stories

Or – Scary movies about teenage boys telling ghost stories, and then slugs start raining down from the sky, so they go hide out in their tent where their sock monkeys have come to life and lunge at their throats with their big scary red mouths and try to bite their major veins and arteries.

Just sayin’.