First off, I found my lucky traveling hat. He was hiding under the couch cushions with my missing fifty cents. Crisis averted. I won’t have to go on a single adventure without him. Phew!
However, my pesky insomnia, which I only wish I could lose, doesn’t seem to be taking the hint. Get lost, insomnia. Nobody likes you. Nobody thinks your jokes are funny, and your breath kind of smells.
I’m funny when I can’t sleep, aren’t I?
Just sayin’.
I can’t sleep. Perfect. Tomorrow, which is really today, is going to suck.
OK, so I mentioned about a week and a half ago that I’ve started using sleep aids. I’ve only taken them twice so far. I don’t want to be addicted to them. The thing is, I kind of have to plan ahead to use them. I’m afraid to take it unless I know for sure that I’m going to be able to sleep at least 8 hours. I’m just trying to use them to catch up on sleep about once per week.
The pills I’m using are Lunesta. I really like it, so far. I was always afraid to take sleeping pills, because I was afraid that they would drop me like one of those bears you see being darted on the news. It’s not like that at all. It very gently lowers me into a nice comfortable sleep. It definitely doesn’t feel like normal falling asleep, but it’s not like I feel like I’ve been hit over the head with something either.
And when I wake up in the morning, it’s almost exactly the reverse. It’s the slow rising up. It’s not like I suddenly spring awake or like I have to pull myself out of a cave of sleep, either. It’s just gentle.
The one side effect, though, is that I wake up with this very strange bitter taste in the back of my mouth, and I have cotton mouth all the next day. It could be worse, I think.
Apparently somebody read that last post and thought I was going to kill myself. UM, no, and if you thought that, you don’t know me AT ALL.
The post was about how resistant I am to take drugs to solve my problems, but since I was/am so tired, and really needed to get a good nights sleep, I gave up my resistance and took the damn medicine. Part of the reason why I was hesitant to take the pills was that I was afraid of some extreme side effect that would put me in a coma, hence the crack about never waking up again. Geesh, LIGHTEN UP!
Yes, 30 Helens and my doctor would agree that I’m having a rough streak with all kinds of stuff hitting the fan, but those same Helens, my doctor, and most importantly, I know that this is all going to pass and I’ll be fine.
I think that if you thought that, on top of not knowing me, you also haven’t been reading much else on my blog. It should all be in context. There’s a lot of stuff I’ve written about lately, in particular the post about my time line, in which I am looking to and making plans for the future.
So put away your pocket Freud. I’m fine. Geesh. You make one little joke about a coma, and all hell breaks loose.
I had a doctor’s appointment today, and I happened to mention that I was having a hard time sleeping. She offered me some “sleep aids.” I wouldn’t normally take them, but I’m just so tired.
If I don’t ever wake up again, I want you all to know that I loved you very much.
Night. Night.
Last night was another restless one. I guess after all that sleep the night before, my brain was revived enough to return to its regularly scheduled program. I finally fell asleep around 4:30 this morning, only to wake up at 7. It’s all the same stuff floating around in there, over and over again. The same what-ifs.
My new favorite what-if has got to be – what if I could just set my brain down somewhere and walk away from it for a little while. I just need a break from carrying all of this around. I think it would do a world of good if I could just shelve it for a little while.
In the middle of it all, the tossing and turning, the getting up and going back down, the attempts at meditation and what not, I realized that I have been having at least one night of really crappy sleep per week since I moved into this place. And it all started to add up.
You see, it takes me about nine months to adjust to any major change in my life: New apartment, new job, new boyfriend, no more boyfriend, parents moving, grandparents passing away, what have you. I learned this when I moved to Miami for my freshman year of college, which was my first real life altering event. I was horribly home sick up until about a month before I left. Unfortunately, just as I was starting to feel comfortable in Miami, I had to turn right back around and come back to California. Ever since then, this rule has proven true in all life’s changes. All these moves I’ve made in the last four years and new jobs, it’s taken almost precisely nine months to acclimate. Of course, then I would move again, or start a new job, or something.
By my calculations, I’ll probably start to feel comfortable enough in this apartment to get consistent good nights’ sleep long about July. Everything that went down last week should be cleared up by Christmas. So as long as nothing else happens, I should be comfortable, well rested, and content by New Years. That’s my timeline. Any patience with me in the meantime would be greatly appreciated. Especially since I’m running on fumes and my gut feels like it may explode at any moment.
Just sayin’.
Last night, I started nodding off while watching a movie at around 10. I went to bed, fell asleep, and slept through until the alarm went off at 6:00 this morning. Sleep at last. You have no idea how much better I feel.
Now if only I could make the nausea go away.
Last night was another night of three hours of sleep. Actually, I should say this morning was another morning of that, and it was more like 2.5 hours, I think. I think I finally fell asleep around 6, and I woke up about 8:30.
Life would probably be easier to deal with if I could just sleep.
Peggy Lu Who's Just Sayin' 