Considering the severity of my lifelong battle with insomnia, I don’t think it should shock anyone to hear me say that I have a complex relationship with caffeine.  I’ve relied on it pretty heavily during the weeks when I’ve only managed to eek out a few hours of sleep.  It’s been my savior many afternoons when I sit at my desk, fighting the bobblehead after not getting a full night before.

The problem is, after I’ve had quite a bit of caffeine to keep myself awake all day, it continues to keep me up all night.  Or at least, well later than I should be staying up after not sleeping much the night before.   It’s a cycle, you see.  A big nasty gnarly cycle.  And the only way out of it is to suffer.

So after the last couple of weeks of really crappy sleep, I decided it was time to give it up.  Again.  This isn’t the first time, and if after a period of abstinence, I go back to it, it’ll happen again.

So, I haven’t had any caffeine since Saturday.  This week has been hell, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed by the folks around me.  Getting out of bed is just brutal.  I have been sleeping, but it’s just this exhaustion that’s been building as the week goes on.  I’m hoping some sort of reboot will be possible this weekend.  I’ve been powering through, though, and I know I’m going to make it.

The thing that puzzles me about all this, though, is the reactions of some co-workers.  “WHY!?!  Why would you do that?”,  ” You can’t do that!”, or “No, you don’t have to give up caffeine; you just have work out, or go to bed earlier, or something.”

Seriously, what’s the big deal about me not having caffeine?  It’s not like I’m asking them to do it.  What difference does it make to them at all?  If anything, it just means there’s more coffee in the pot for them.   But you’d think I had said that I was thinking about giving up my US citizenship or something.

And you can’t be a little bit supportive?  I mean, just a simple, “Dude, that sounds rough, but you can do it!”  I’m really not expecting much, except maybe a little patience.

I really like coffee and Coke Zero, but I can and will live without them.  And it’ll be fine.  I mean, in a couple days, when I’m not a raging asshole, because I’m so fucking tired.  And it’s not going to screw up anyone else’s day if I’m not having it.

Just sayin’.

Author: peggyluwho

What do you want to know? I'm a California native, and right now, I live 6 miles from where I was born. I'm single. I'm a feminist.

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