I headed out to Grant & Green in North Beach this evening. Warsaw Poland Bros were playing. As I parked my car, I realized something, that the chapter of my life that’s ending started on a night in North Beach, just a little over two and a half years ago.
I was out to see a show, what else. It was Deal’s Gone Bad and King Django. Life had already started to make a turn, as Dieter had left our house that week. I didn’t really have any expectations that night, besides seeing some friends and dancing to some music. Little did I know that that night was going to steer my life for two years, or that I was going to go with the flow on a wave that dumped me head first on another beach last night.
There was a friend of a friend at the bar that night, and before I knew it, everything became so serious and so necessary. I found myself on a plane to South Carolina within a few weeks. My whole world was heading in this direction and then just as quickly, Dez was gone. The whole thing was over in a flash. I never intended to be without him, and it was like someone punched me in my chest when I read the last words he ever wrote to me. I was terrified of my life, so I went out and did the scariest thing I could think of.
Of course, shortly, very shortly, afterwards, I was scooped up and set up as a girlfriend I wasn’t sure I could be. It lasted much more than I thought it would back then. All along I was afraid, and all along, I felt like I had to prove myself. Going with the flow, again, but this was more like a roller coaster most of the time, up and down, pull me in and push me away. Yes, I’m shocked, again, and scared of my life, again. It should never be easy to hear your lover tell you that they don’t love you anymore.
And it all goes back to that one night in North Beach, and I didn’t see it until tonight, what a turning point that was. Tonight I parked my car in the same spot I did the last time I saw Dez without ever realizing it until I was walking across the street. Then I realized I was wearing my Deal’s Gone Bad shirt.
I’m right back where I started, I suppose, and in a weird way, it’s like time stood still. I still have no expectations.