Tag: relationships

CSG has A Crush

When was the last time you had a crush on someone?  I mean, really legitimately had a Crush on someone?   Junior High or High School, perhaps?   Well, my 32-year-old ass has got one.  Got it real bad, in fact.

I’m sure this guy has no clue.   Also, I’m about 90% sure that he’s off the market.   And yet, I’m totally dumb for him, and I can’t stop my brain from wandering in his particular direction.   Unwelcome and unbidden thoughts popping into my little brain while I’m trying to go about my life, attempting to be a human being.   It’s really hard to look at HTML when your brain is flashing kissing scenes in your head.    Can I just reiterate that part where this person is oblivious to me?    Maybe if I keep reminding myself, it’ll all go away.  I don’t want to be this stupid.

The thing is, though, that all this stuff, for me, well it’s been awhile.   Let’s think about this.   I’ve been single for almost two years.  Actually, next Saturday will be exactly two years.    So, while I’ve stuck my pinky toe in the dating pool a few times in the last two years, mostly it’s just been a big fat awkward mess.   A mess that isn’t helping my confidence level at all.   I mean, how do I Do This?   How does a Crazy Single Girl let it be known when she wouldn’t mind too terribly at all if you brushed the hair out of her eyes, ran you fingers down her cheeks, lifted her chin…Oh crap.  I’m doing it again.

Anyway, so before a year and 51 weeks ago, I had been with the same guy for over two years.    We started dating a day or two after my previous boyfriend dumped me.  (I don’t recommend this, by the way)   So, in effect, it’s been almost five years, since I’ve played this game, and I am having trouble getting back into it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, how do you let someone know that you have been thinking about him.  Thinking about him more than just a little, but rather a lot actually.   And I’d like to spend more time with him.  Listen to him talk about anything.   To sit him and stare into his blue eyes. (of course they’re blue)    How do you even begin to tell someone all that, you know, without sounding like a complete nutter?

The answer is, you don’t.   There’s no way to dive into all that without coming across as a stalker.   So, the question is, how do you start?  Where do you start?   What do you say that will eventually lead the conversation in that direction?   I wouldn’t even know where to begin.   And I don’t want to be an ass, assuming that I’m right and he is off the market.

And so, you see, I have a silly crush, and I don’t know what to do about it, and even if I did know, I shouldn’t do anything about it.

Just sayin’.

Crazy Single Girl Life – Flirting

So, I’ve been a single girl living this Crazy Single Girl Life for almost a year now.  That’s a year of going where I want to go, doing what I want to do, out all night, caffeinating all day, seat of my pants, why the hell did I do that, because I could that’s why existence.   I have to say, there’s been a bump or two along the way.   However, it has been an adventure and definitely the ride of a lifetime.  I can’t really complain. 

Except one thing.   There’s this skill that hasn’t really come back to me yet, after the two and a half years of Serious Relationship Existence, I somehow forgot how to flirt.   

OK, so I’m not completely incapable or anything.  It’s just that I’m so well out of practice that I’m just not very good at it.  It’s like I’m in Junior High again.   

Half the time, no one knows I’m flirting.  My best friends see me interacting with attractive men, and afterward, I’ll ask, “was I being totally obnoxious and obvious.”  They then ask me what I’m talking about, tell me that the thought that I was flirting didn’t even occur to them, and that they’re sure the guy didn’t get it.   And I think they’re probably right.    

The other half the time, it’s awkwardness to the nth degree.   I kiss a guy on his cheek and Run.  (Oh Yeah.  I did that.  Recently.)  Or I’m just incapable of completing a sentence while turning Bright Crimson and swallowing half of my words.   

And the thing is, I used to be pretty damn good at this.  I’m not kidding.   And I was so good, and so natural, that I didn’t even know I was doing it.    I remember there was one time I was with Mama Bear and we were at a restaurant.   A very nice looking server was waiting on us.  As soon as he took our order and walked away, she turned to me and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen someone bat their eyelashes before!”   I didn’t even know I was doing it.  

Today, I’d have to put serious effort into that, and I’d probably be such a spazz about it, that someone would ask me if I had something stuck in my eye or if I was having a stroke!

I had no idea that this was a skill that could be lost, that this muscle would atrophy.   

So, of course I’m not going to be unsingle any time soon, because people either don’t realize that I’m hitting on them or I’m scaring the crap out of them by acting weird.  However, when and if the day ever comes when I find myself in a LTR (Long Term Relationship) again, I refuse to cease flirting.  I will not let myself go again.  Oh no.  I will be a lean, mean, flirting machine.   And, in other words, the worst GF ever.  

In the meantime, all the practice is fun, if not amusing in a sad and pathetic sort of way.

Thoughts on The A-Word

Last night, I wrote a throw away post on my parents’ anniversary.  I wanted to write something, and I wanted to shout out to them on their special day, but I wasn’t really in the mood to write.    So, here’s what I woulda/coulda/shoulda written last night.  Here are my thoughts on their anniversary, and on anniversaries in general.

  • I sort of forgot that it was their anniversary, until I was on the phone with my mom.   I didn’t feel too bad about it, though, ’cause I think they forgot, too.   My dad got up yesterday to go to work, and he found a note from my mom asking him to pick up milk on the way home.   When he was finishing up his day with some paperwork, he remembered the date.  He said something to one of his co-workers, like, “oh, it’s June 10th.  It’s my wedding anniversary.”  The co-worker asked what he was going to get for my mom, and he told him he was getting her a carton of milk.  My mom gave him a slice of banana bread in return.   I hope to someday be in a relationship long enough that anniversaries are still important, but not anything to break your heart over if it happens to slip my mind.
  • Anniversaries.  The root of the word is ‘annual’.   Meaning yearly.   There’s no such thing as a six month anniversary.  A one month anniversary is also right out.   I think that would be a lunaversary.   And really, it’s just lunacy.   Being able to relate to someone for 30 whole days in a row shouldn’t be that difficult.   Unless you’re me, apparently, but that’s a rant for another time.
  • I don’t do anniversaries.  I was in a long term relationship once.   In two plus years, we could never agree when that anniversary would be, if we were to celebrate one.   When you get married, it’s easy.  It’s the day of the ceremony.   The anniversary of a birth, also very easy to track.    I’ve had anniversaries at jobs, too.  That’s super duper easy.   But when does it start to actually count when you’re dating.   ‘Cause there’s dating, and then there’s dating.    I mean, I could go on a date tonight, and in that sense, I’d be dating someone, but I wouldn’t consider someone my boyfriend on the first date.    So, if I did go on a date (this is a purely hypothetical scenario, by the way), and then down the road, that person did become a significant part of my life and family, when does it count?   What about if you’re with somebody for a really long time before you get married, and the day you consider to be the anniversary is different from your wedding date?   This is why I don’t do it.  It’s too confusing.  As always, though, I reserve the right to change my mind.
  • My parents have been married for 37 years.  They raised two kids.   I use the term loosely, since I don’t feel like too much of a real adult.   They worked.   They moved a few times.   They retired.   Now my dad is working again.    All this stuff has happened for them, to them, and with them.   They couldn’t possibly be the same people they were when they married, at ages 31 and 24.    How the hell did they do that?   I can’t even manage to get anyone to like me for more than 36 hours in a row right now.   I am incapable of being lovable.   And they’ve been in love longer than I’ve been alive.   My mom didn’t even like him when they met!    Seriously!   WTF?    What is wrong with me?
Just sayin’.