Not Going According to Plan

[CN – some graphic description of pain]


This right here?  This is the space where there was going to be a completely different post.  A post that was far more nuanced, that I’ve been doing research on, and taking notes.   That I’ve been thinking about an awful lot.   There is supposed to be a play along at home component to it.  It was the mission statement of the new leaf I’m turning over.  It was going to be positive!

You know that saying about the best laid plans of mice and men.  Yeah, I actually had no idea what the figure of speech really meant, or where it came from; I only knew you were supposed to say it when your shit got fucked up or didn’t turn out the way you wanted.  But I’m pleased to report that it originated in a Robert Burns poem (To A Mouse, 1786).  That guy.  Helluva guy.  That’s a post for another time, isn’t it.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.  I have been waylaid this week by something very unexpected.  I have come down with not the worst, but a significantly bad case of shingles.

For those of you who may not know what shingles is, it is basically an extension of chickenpox, after several decades of respite in which the virus apparently was shooting steroids and snorting angel dust inside your body.  It usually strikes people much older than me, like retirement age people.  But then again, I do get all the random diseases.  There was the scarlet fever in 2010.  And the norovirus…I think that was 2012.  (What’s up with the even years?)

I had chickenpox when I was five-years-old.  I stayed home from school and played and itched a little bit.  This is nothing like that.

Shingles is an ailment of your nerves.  It usually flares up along a specific nerve or branch of nerves.   It results in a rash of burning, itchy blisters, as well as pain along the nerve. It’s usually also only on one side of your body.  A lot of people get it along their ribs on their back, starting at the middle and trailing out to either the left or right flank.   In my case, it’s running down my sciatic on my left leg.

So, as we speak, there are patches of blisters down the back of my left leg from just below my buttocks down to just above my knee, that itch so badly and in the most painful way an itch has ever itched on my body.  I am very much considering defecting from my skin.

The nerve pain feels as though someone or something has some how gotten a tiny, dull, pink, disposable razor inside my leg, and is dragging it down my nerve, nicking and razor-burning it as they go.


Finally, every once in a while, there’s what feels like a flaming hot fencing sword stabbed into the back of my leg or lower butt region.

And there is nothing that will make it stop.  I have taken Advil and Aleve.   I have smeared every kind of first aid-itch-burn cream-lotion-salve on it, and it feels better for maybe five minutes, but then it’s right back to where it is.

So, no, there will not be a nuanced, well thought out, researched post tonight.  I cannot be coherent.  I just want to amputate my leg, basically.   Fuck it!

Just sayin’.

Starting Over

It’s been years, really, since I did anything with this blog.  There’s a couple of reasons why I stepped away.  First and foremost, I have been working through a lot of personal shit.  I may go into this later.   For now I’ll say that I’ve remade a lot of my life, I’ve been working hard professionally, and I have been taking classes.   All of that left little to no time and even less emotional energy for this blog that I started mostly for laughs and to amuse my friends, but at some times turned into just the only place where I could express some of my opinions about my life, my surroundings, and the world I live in.

And then someone left a comment on here, a mean spirited personal attack.  But I can take that.  I usually laugh those off, in fact.  The difference with this one was that they included certain details that I have never, nor will ever disclose here on this blog.  I try to be open and honest here about the things that I want to be open and honest about, but I value my privacy.   This person went out of their way to make sure I knew that they were someone who knew me personally, and that they had really big problem with me.  Although, they did it anonymously, so I will never knew who they were/are, or why they did it.

It spooked me.   And it made me think twice about what I wanted to put out on the internet about myself, even if I was doing so under a pen name.

So for a long time, there was nothing that I wanted to write about that much, because I always thought, ‘am I opening myself up to that kind of attention again?’   The answer is, I don’t think I care so much anymore.   There are silly things that pop into my head, and dumb shit that happens to me that I want to subject the internet to, and if someone doesn’t like it or doesn’t like me, well then why are their dumb asses coming to my damn website in the first place, huh?

Seriously, though, there is a friend of mine who recently started a blog, and I feel inspired to start over.   Not really start over, because obviously there are hundreds of posts in my archives, and I’m not going to wipe all that out.  That would be stupid.    But there are a lot of things I’ve been thinking about that I want to write.   He really wants more people to view his blog, I think, and he definitely wants people to interact with it.  (I might post a link to his blog in the sidebar, but I’ll probably ask him first.)   I’ll probably send him a link to this, just so he knows that reading what he’s written in the last few days or weeks has helped me have more confidence about trying this again.  I doubt he’s ever seen this blog.  Most of my friends that I’ve made in the last four years have no idea that it exists.

And I’ll wrap this up with a music video I like.  Because I still love music, and having a soundtrack is important.    Just sayin’.