Tag: optimism

Babies

What is it about holding a baby that makes you feel better when you’re coping with a loss?  Maybe it’s a circle of life type of thing.  Every person lost is someone’s loved one, and every baby born is someone’s little squish monster, love, cuddle bunny.

Ebb and flow.  Wax and wane.  Life and death.

Plus, aside from when they shit themselves, babies just kind of smell good.

Also, everything is new and wonderful in their eyes.  Your hair, your jewelry, you clothes, rocks, sticks, bugs.   They just want to grab hold of life and the world and shove it in their mouths and taste it, too.

There’s no fear in them.  They’re so new, and everything is new to them, and they haven’t the slightest clue how terrifying the world can be.  So they’re just little bundles of light and optimism.

It’s freaking magic and infectious, because when you’re holding them, you realize that they have a chance to not have all the fucked up shit you’ve had in your life in theirs.

Or maybe their drool is just a natural anti-depressant, heartbreak numbing supplement.

Either way, I think I need to do a lot of babysitting.

And please don’t misunderstand me.  I still don’t want my own.  I just want to borrow one that I can give back.

I’m Still Here

I’ve been dealt some more crap, and it’s been getting me down. This time it’s much more real than that “he doesn’t love me any more” unreality nonsense. That all doesn’t mean a thing. It’s not important.

The thing that matters most is that I woke up this morning. And I’ll wake up tomorrow. And next week. And next month. I’m not giving up. I don’t want to give up. I’m going to fight. I’m going to do what I have to do to get better and be good to myself. And this is not going to get any worse. I won’t go there.

I may not be 100% right now, but I’m going to keep doing what I need to do, and hopefully someday this will all just be a bad memory. I think the best thing I can do for myself is accept things for what they are, let go of all the things that aren’t, and just focus on the fact that this morning, this moment, I’m fine. This is my attempt at venturing into the uncharted territory of optimism.

That’s how I’m going to get better.