As part of coming back from my broken leg in March, I have joined a hiking group. I found them on Meetup, and I’ve been out with the group about four times so far. Two of those hikes have been pretty significant in terms of length and ascent. So I’ve been getting a good workout, and every time I go out, I feel a little stronger, which is great. I feel like my endurance is building, and I’m getting back into shape.
And then the thing that shall not be mentioned happened. As with any sort of extreme grief, I have become somewhat detached, and closed off from the world. I’ve wanted to stay inside, stay quiet, stay indoors. At a certain point, though, going outside is just the thing for a broken heart.
So, I was back at it yesterday, hiking more than 8 miles. It was good to go out. It was good to get warn out. It was raining a little bit, and I got a bit wet and muddy. And I laughed a little bit, and got to talk to someone about Star Wars and Star Trek. It was a good day for me.
And today, I want my buffer from the world back. I don’t want to leave the house, and I don’t want to see anyone.
So, just like with the leg and the hiking, I am slowly making progress. There are good days. There are bad days. There are good moments. There are bad moments. There are moments when I think about her, and I just can’t stand how much it hurts to think that she was taken away, and there are moments when I think about her, and it makes me smile. And sometimes even laugh.
There are moments on the trail when I feel like I can’t take another step, and breathing is hard. There are moments where I am breathing deeply, and every step feels like I’m conquering something. And there are moments on the trail when I am skipping with my arms outstretched, because I feel like I’m flying.
I just wish she could do it with me, is all.