Sometimes there’s nothing to say, and nothing to do, except sit and wait for the awful to wash over and be done. There are things so unspeakable, so horrific, and heartbreaking, that no possible action could ever make the thought of them less painful.
I’m sitting in a hotel room in New York City right now. I have very little desire to go out and explore, as I have done in the past when visiting. I just kind of want to sit here, with myself and my thoughts. I’m not feeling too adventurous, and I spent a large portion of the evening playing a simple and silly video game. My stomach is bothering me. I have a headache.
Really, what happened, though, is something so awful, that I don’t really want to write it anymore. I’ve written it a couple of times, in emails, and in instant message windows, when saying it out loud was too hard. I don’t want to put the letters together to form the words that make up the sentence that explains why I am sitting here alone. This thing, it was bad. Really bad. And I’m not all that surprised to find that it’s effecting me in strange ways. The sleeplessness I expected. I figured that I would cry a lot, and thus have headaches. I didn’t realize how dehydrated I’d really get. I wasn’t expecting actual physical pain that would double me over.
I’m here in New York for work. If not for work, I would have stayed home. I just want to curl into a ball around my yucky tummy, and my heavy heart, and my headache, and cry as much as I want.
I am grieving, and it’s not something I want to be doing right here.